Manipulated at work?

Were you scammed when you took the new job? It seemed so good at first and the boss, or the recruitment consultant, promised so much. But why didn't you manage to see through all the promises?

One explanation is that we humans are social creatures. In a new environment and when we meet strangers, it is human to seek what unites us. Instinctively, we seek shared values ​​or belonging to the group. This is the basis for us to be able to cooperate. At the same time, it also opens us up to being manipulated. But it is difficult to recognize the symptoms of emotional manipulation.

The risk of being manipulated is especially high if you are empathetic and have high emotional intelligence. As a person, you are often nice, helpful and popular. But there is a downside. Manipulative people sense this, and can play on feelings of guilt, fear or what they believe you are obligated to do. Manipulative people use their emotions to influence other people's decisions or to present themselves in a particular way.

Here are some examples:

Tactics	Method	Example
Anger	Intimidation/aggressiveness.	Aggressive behavior, threatening and insulting.
Insists	Playing victim to arouse sympathy.	Reminds you of how much they sacrificed for everyone else.
Playing depressed	Showing that you are not feeling well to gain sympathy and attention.	Manipulates your emotions to arouse pity.
Emotional blackmail	Acts dramatic and threatens to harm himself.	Threatens to quit unless certain needs and desires are met.
Playing martyr	Acting as if you are always sacrificing yourself for others.	Tells how elaborate one is to arouse your sympathy and pity.

But it's not easy to see through them. Emotionally manipulative people are good at hiding their own true feelings. Instead, they present themselves as trustworthy and honest. They are happy to be vulnerable and confide in you. So how can you see through them?

Manipulative managers – or colleagues – often exaggerate. Instead of saying something is “good,” they say “fantastic.” Sometimes they say “but you know that everyone…” to damage the person’s self-confidence. When they lie, they don’t use “I” but refer to the third person, preferably a well-known person or successful company.

Here are some examples of emotional manipulation they engage in:

Tactics	Method	Example
Does not use words	Passive aggressive behavior instead of direct confrontation.	The boss (or colleague) speaks indirectly, uses sarcasm, or responds with silence instead of openly addressing the problem.
Pretending to be ignorant	Don´t pretend to understand, to avoid taking responsibility.	Doesn´t seem to understand instructions or common rules, doesn´t want to take responsibility.
Playing depressed	Showing that you are not feeling well to gain sympathy and attention.	Manipulates the emotions of others to arouse pity.
Reverse compliments	Gives compliments that are disguised criticism.	Gives praise but instead makes you insecure and creates poor self-confidence.

Unfortunately, companies are happy to reward those who manipulate. They often seem to be able to create results, at least in the short term. But there are some strategies for dealing with these emotional manipulators. For example, be skeptical if you receive too much praise or attention. Maybe it's just a way to get you as an ally, without you understanding the purpose. Maybe the manipulator criticizes other colleagues but asks you to keep this to yourself. You may feel chosen to be able to express criticism, because they believe that "many others" think so. But really, the manipulator just wants you as a messenger so that they don't have to express criticism themselves.

Sources:

Luis Velasquez. (2024). Are you being emotionally manipulated at work? Harvard Business Review.

Marina Glazman (2023). 5 types of manipulators at work. Harvard Business Review.

Liz Kislik (2017). How to work with a manipulative person. Harvard Business Review.

The Economist, August 21th, 2010. How to tell when your boss is lying.